Silence. Smoke. All I could hear and see as I opened my eyes. As if the world had stopped. Relief that I had survived, then horror as realization hit me like a wall at what had just happened. I tried to miss, to get out of her way, to save us both. To no avail. We hit. Hard. Then my life crumbled. Head throbbing, face so sore. I couldn’t move as she opened the door. I was in seering pain. Everything hurt. Every breath, every movment. I reached for my phone, devastated. I didn’t tell them the truth, I was more worried about my car. Funny, that when it comes down to it I was more worried about how my car would get out of this in one piece. Engine gone, shunted back to the steering wheel. I knew as soon as we hit she wouldn’t get out of this one.
Help arrived. It was his birthday. He made me smile. Thanks for being a knight in shinning armour. Mum and Dad. They got a shock when they drove round the corner. They weren’t quite expecting carnage. They expected to find me in a ditch. Not in agony in what was hell. Stay awake. But I was so tired. If I fell asleep now would I wake up from this nightmare?? No-one will let me sleep. I want to wake up now.
Then those fateful words. “We’ll have to cut you out.” No! Please get me out but save my car! I love my car!! Tears. Tears of devastation, horror, death. How could my parents look at me calmly? They say I’m brave but inside I’m breaking. I can’t keep going.
Smash; one window. Smash; another window. Smash; and another. Smash; and another. Is it over yet? No. Crack, crack, crack, crack. There goes the frame. As I’m uncovered I see my cars roof snap like a twig. Then I can feel light on my face from the flood lights. It’s not over yet. Breathe, breathe. I struggle even though I have a oxygen mask on my face. Please can I wake up now??? I’m still in tears.
They get me out. I’m high on adrenalin now. It doesn’t feel real. Now I feel like I’m floating watching it happen to someone else. I don’t know how to act now. All these people for me? Fire, ambulance, doctor, police. I’m forever grateful to you all.
At hospital I feel strange, in a lot of pain. I have a needle sticking out of my arm, please get it out. Before I scratch it out. Relieve. It’s over. How was I supposed to know it was just beginning.
Six months later I sit here writing this as I struggle to come to terms with what happened that night. I see it everytime I sleep, everytime my mind wanders. There are questions, regrets and what ifs. I know that night could’ve been worse. I tried to avoid her, thus saving her from serious injury, or death. In saving her I couldn’t save myself. I wish she had suffered too. Am I worng in thinking that? If she knew what I was going through, maybe, just maybe, she’d think differently.
I’m a different person now. I’m a different driver too. I’m now a nervous one. Especially when passing the turning. I can’t avoid where it took place, if I did, I would never leave my house. I knew I had to drive again. But my fear now is it happening again. There have been a couple of times where I was close. Why won’t people look? How can they not realise that not looking hurts people?
But I can’t do anything about other people. I need to concentrate on me. Everyone says I should get over the accident. I wasn’t too badly injured. Move on. Get over it. Life keeps going. Move on. Move on. I can’t. It haunts me. My life isn’t so great anymore. I try to keep going. Things get worse. I finally go to the doctor. What’s wrong with me? My chest is healing, my body’s going back to normal. But why do I feel this way? Haunted by a car accident.
I get answers. What I’m going through is normal for the trauma I experienced. I can get help. Help to get my life back. Help to move on. Inside I’m jumping for joy!! Someone understands. Knows why I’m feeling this way. Someone willing to help me. There’s hope, and I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel. I’m on a path back to being me. Me, it would be nice to be me again. Time is what I need now. Time I have. Time.